- How do you turn a marshmallow into a psychiatrist?
- How do you turn a piranah into a waitress?
- What did the elephant say to the werewolf?
- What do a maid and a camera have in common?
- What do a tapeworm and coffee have in common?
- What do Einstein and bubble gum have in common?
- What do you get when you cross a librarian with a duck billed platypus?
- What do you get when you cross a neighborhood bully and a grave digger?
- What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a pilot?
- What happened at the wedding of a cop and cheese?
- What happened at the wedding of the Devil and a magician?
- What happened when a frog went on a blind date with a firefly?
- What happened when a turkey turned into wind?
- What happened when a village idiot went on a blind date with a moth?
- What happened when an axe murderer went on a blind date with a mountain?
- What is the last lin in the book about ice-cream and a rock star?
- What's the difference between a squid and a ballerina?
- What's the difference between the loch ness monster and a sports car?
- What's the last line in the book about a clown and a monkey?
- What's the last line in the book about an eyeball and a bat?
- What's the line from the old song about a crocodile and a carpenter?
- What's the line from the old song about the sun and the vaccuum cleaner?
- What's the old saying about a walrus and a king?
- What's the old saying about a zombie and a kangaroo?
- What's the punchline to the old joke about a deer and a rhinoceros?
- Why did a hockey player want to be a butcher?
- Why did a ninja go to heaven while a seahorse went to hell?
- Why did a pimple go to hell, while a cheetah went to heaven?
- Why does a banana hate beer?
- Why does a barber want to be a boxer?
- Why does a computer always win in a fight against a UFO?
- Why does a millionaire love a fox?
- Why does a pirate love a goldfish?
- Why does a plumber want to be the moon?
- Why does a scorpion always win in a fight against a t-rex?
- Why does poop always win in a fight against a millionaire?
- Why is a bus afraid of an aardvark?
- Why is a bus envious of a garbage collector?
- Why is a chameleon afraid of a pocket watch?
- Why is a drunk better than a rabbit?
- Why is an actor afraid of a gorilla?
- Why is an alarm clock afraid of god?
How do you turn a marshmallow into a psychiatrist?:
Yoshi - Burn it until it's hard and black on the inside.
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How do you turn a piranah into a waitress?:
James - Put the piranah in another room and call it for 20 minutes. It won't come to your table either.
James - Staple a "Hi, my name is Flo" tag to its fin.
Jeff - Sharpen the piranah's teeth to match the waitresses'.
Scott - That depends. If it's working at Denny's then just give it a uniform.
Yoshi - Give it a pad of paper and pay it minimum wage.
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What did the elephant say to the werewolf?:
James - Boy... I bet you really hate silver, huh?
Jeff - Hey, I remember you! We met at Allens birthday 3 years, 4 months, and 6 days ago. You were wearing a child as a scarf, right?
Scott - Nothing, they're both mythical creatures.
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What do a maid and a camera have in common?:
Mandy - They both wear sexy french outfits.
Mandy - They're both required for "candid photography".
Scott - They both aren't good at cleaning.
Scott - Both were made in Taiwan.
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What do a tapeworm and coffee have in common?:
James - Both get you goin' in the morning.
James - Both supress the urge to meow.
James - Both are grown in Mickey Rourke's back yard.
James - Both are brown and lickable.
James and Yoshi - Both are highly sought after by supermodels.
Jeff - They both stunt your growth.
Jeff - They both love RACE CARS!
Scott - They both taste good for a while....
Yoshi - They help you lose weight.
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What do Einstein and bubble gum have in common?:
Mandy - You find both in highschool textbooks.
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What do you get when you cross a librarian with a duck billed platypus?:
Rustin - A creature more boring than a 3 toed sloth.
Scott - Sandra Bullock.
Scott - An affront to nature.
Scott and Mandy - A duck-billed librarian.
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What do you get when you cross a neighborhood bully and a grave digger?:
Jeff - Small hands, smells like cadavers.
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What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a pilot?:
James - The finest Air Force the artic has even known.
James - The end of civilization as we know it!
Jeff - A polar-pilot.
Jeff - The most deadly creature in the artic.
Jeff - A freak of nature hell-bent on the circumnavigation of the globe!
Mandy - A flying polar bear... duh.
Mandy - Captain Kirk.
Scott - And artic flier.
Scott - The Polar-Express.
Scott - A very full cockpit.
Scott - A polit...
Scott - The white, hariy baron.
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What happened at the wedding of a cop and cheese?:
James - The cop arrested his limburger in law for indecent exposure.
James - The cheese had a baby. Deal with it.
Jeff - They both got full of holes.
Jeff - Someone cut the cheese by mistake.
Mandy - They had wedding cheesecake.
Mandy - Somebody ate the poor little cheesy! ;_;
Scott - Everyone hade a gouda time.
Scott - They broke a piniata.
Scott - A box of crackers crashed the party and gave the cheese a heart attack.
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What happened at the wedding of the Devil and a magician?:
Scott - The magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and the devil ATE IT ALIVE!
Scott - They had angel food cake.
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What happened when a frog went on a blind date with a firefly?:
James - 9 months later the first signs of the apocalypse appeared.
Jeff - I don't know, the frog won't talk about it and nobody can contact the firefly.
Mandy - The frog ate the firefly 'cause that's what frogs do, but then the firefly burned the frog's tongue 'cause that's what fireflies do, so the frog was sad.
Scott - They joined forces to try to overthrow "Fart" as the beginning of the F section.
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What happened when a turkey turned into wind?:
James - He broke himself.
James - The universe imploded, because shit like that just doesn't happen!
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What happened when a village idiot went on a blind date with a moth?:
Scott - It was a very illuminating experience... then the moth died.
Scott - The village idiot finally got to find out what moth balls smell like.
Scott - Nothing. One's an idiot, the other's a moth.
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What happened when an axe murderer went on a blind date with a mountain?:
Jeff - In an ironic twist, the axe murderer was eaten alive by forest dwelling chipmunks.
Scott - ...and that kids, is how Bald Mountain got it's name.
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What is the last lin in the book about ice-cream and a rock star?:
Scott - You can't dust for vanilla.
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What's the difference between a squid and a ballerina?:
Jeff - Squids eat food, ballerinas only drink water.
Jeff - One's a spineless bottom feeder, the other's a squid.
Scott - The squid uses its tentacles productively, whereas the ballerina's tentacles generally go unused.
Yoshi - The ballerina's beak is less obvious.
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What's the difference between the loch ness monster and a sports car?:
Jeff - I don't have a sports car in my pants.
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What's the last line in the book about a clown and a monkey?:
Scott - That's the second biggest nose I've ever seen!
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What's the last line in the book about an eyeball and a bat?:
Jeff - ...and in case you were wondering, eyes make good baseballs... once.
Jeff - AAHAH! There's a bat ripping out my eyeball as I'm writing the last line of my book!
Jeff - ...and the bat glued the eyeball to the floor and squished it with a bowling pin. That's right, a bowling pin.
Scott - Blind as a ... um ... you.
Scott - Wow, I can't believe you read an entire book about a bat and an eyeball!
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What's the line from the old song about a crocodile and a carpenter?:
Scott - That's why I've got a hammer and you have teeth.
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What's the line from the old song about the sun and the vaccuum cleaner?:
James - When you wish upon a sun, vaccuum cleaners are the ... uh, Raz-ma-taz!
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What's the old saying about a walrus and a king?:
James - Beastiality should not be limited to land bound mammals.
James - King walruses produce giant walnuts.
James - Kingdoms have crappy taste in mascots.
James - Long long ago, the people known as Banananians came to befriend the lost culture of Beeramis. It wasn't too long before the Beeramians took advantage of the Banananians' generocity, and spread wildness around. And then the world ended. Twice.
Scott - You can't beat your wife with a king.
Scott - Walrus kings have a tusky odor.
Scott - You can lead a walrus to water, but you can't make him king.
Scott - Wouldn't you hate beer if you were a banana?
Yoshi - If it weren't for beer, there'd be far fewer bananas put into various orifi
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What's the old saying about a zombie and a kangaroo?:
Mandy - You can lead a zombie to water, but you can't make him drink... because his mouth is rotting off, unlike a kangaroo's.
Scott - Itchy... Bouncy...
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What's the punchline to the old joke about a deer and a rhinoceros?:
Scott - Well you havn't had Jim Carry come out of your ass!
Scott - Rhinoplasty can only get you so far, my deer.
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Why did a hockey player want to be a butcher?:
Scott - A cleaver is easier to use than a hockey stick.
Uncle Michael - Woo Hoo! Free meat!
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Why did a ninja go to heaven while a seahorse went to hell?:
James - Um, ninjas rock. If a seahorse rocked it'd be a rocking horse.
James - Seahorses routinely pimp out crustaceans to seedy creatures. Ninjas kill for honor. God did a good thing.
Jeff - It was the seahorse that dropped the fork.
Jeff - You need aposable thumbs to open the gate.
Jeff - God just doesn't like sea creatures, but ninja movies... Balls yo!
Mandy - Commiting sepuku with a frisbee is more noble than peeing in water.
Scott - The ninja had more Raz-ma-taz!
Scott - Sepuku is actually very noble, the only noble thing a seahorse can do is accidentally be eaten by a whale... now how noble is that?
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Why did a pimple go to hell, while a cheetah went to heaven?:
Mandy - Contrary to popular belief, cheetahs do prosper.
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Why does a banana hate beer?:
Scott - Too many people are making beer split sundaes.
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Why does a barber want to be a boxer?:
Jeff - Because boxers don't have to cut hair all day long.
Scott - The barber gets sued when he cuts off someone's ear, whereas the boxer gets a mild "talking to."
Yoshi - The boxer's wife is fuckin' hot!
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Why does a computer always win in a fight against a UFO?:
Scott - By RAMing it.
Scott - The computer garottes the UFO with its firewire.
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Why does a millionaire love a fox?:
James - It'd make one hell of a wallet.
James - It's make one hell of a condom.
James - It'd make one hell of a puppet.
James - It'd make one hell of a toupeé.
James - It'd make one hell of a steering wheel cover.
James - It'd make one hell of a towel.
James - It'd make one hell of a bong skin.
James - It'd make one hell of an Xbox 360 faceplate.
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Why does a pirate love a goldfish?:
Scott - Arr, its mother was a cracker.
Scott - Because they're so delicious.
Scott - The goldfish is a mythical beast the size of ten men with a head made entirely of gold. It sank to the bottom of the ocean upon its birth.
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Why does a plumber want to be the moon?:
James - Wouldn't you want to be a celestial object?
Mandy - So people will stop saying "That's no moon!"
Scott - Because he wants to affect tides.
Scott - The moon is made of cheese, and the plumber's brother is a police officer.
Yoshi - The moon was made of walnuts, and the plumber loves walnuts.
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Why does a scorpion always win in a fight against a t-rex?:
Mandy - GET OVER HERE!
Scott - The dinosaur's brain is the size of a walnut, and scorpions hate walnuts.
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Why does poop always win in a fight against a millionaire?:
James - Millionaire's can't fight too well, what with not having any legs and all.
Scott - Because the only thing to survive poop's wrath is sweet corn.
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Why is a bus afraid of an aardvark?:
Scott - Because the bus' sister had a child...
Scott - The aardvark was privy to a mad scientist's diabolical machinations which caused the aardvark to quadruple in size and develop an insatiable appetite for busses.
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Why is a bus envious of a garbage collector?:
Scott - The garbage collector has to pick up less trash.
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Why is a chameleon afraid of a pocket watch?:
Mandy - A pocket watch has a color of its own.
Mandy - The watch has a shirt that says "Chameleonic Lifeforms? NO THANKS!"
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Why is a drunk better than a rabbit?:
James - A drunk is easier to maintain.
James - A drunk comes when you call it.
Jeff - Rabbits eat walnuts, and aparently everyone hates walnuts.
Scott - You can't pass off what a rabbit inevitably does as a "Jackson Pollock".
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Why is an actor afraid of a gorilla?:
Scott - He saw Jaws, he's not stupid... oh wait, that was a shark.
Scott - The gorilla didn't need to sign. He had a gun.
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Why is an alarm clock afraid of god?:
James - Because when the alarm clock goes off God has to stop wrting answers, and god doesn't like that.
Scott - More religions based around god.
Yoshi - The alarm clock is a god fearing being.
Yoshi - The alarm clock was made of walnuts, and god hates walnuts.
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