Brandon - Cameron - Chad - Colin - Conversations - Cookie - Crazy Joe - Dan - Dustin - Elk - Henry - Jeff - Jeffrey - Jeremy - Joe - Lana - Mack - Mandy - Mom - Mr. Brackett - Mr. Dick - Neil - Robert - Rustin - Scott - Sean - Shira - Tyler - Yoshi - Newest

Scott, Jeff, Conversations

Scott: apparently, according to Lana "Your face is Geo-Locked"
Scott: Also, you smell
Scott: she didn't say that
Scott: but I inferred it from her voice
Scott: Ah, it's cabbage
Scott: that's what you smell like
Scott: in accordance to Lana
Scott: Corn beef too
Scott: You're St. Patricks Day Dinner
Jeff: yey, im so festive
Scott: too bad that's in march...
Jeff: im a timetraveling supper... lay off


Lana, Scott, Conversations

Scott: So my mom's a member of this wine club... but I don't think she can taste the wine.
Lana: Why, is she dead?


Yoshi, Scott, Conversations

Scott: Isn't it always crab season?
Yoshi: Yeah, in your pants!
Scott: Oh, burn!
Yoshi: No, more pinch...
Scott: Oh yeah, that's gonorrhea.


Lana

Thank you! Now put on a diaper and announce my presence.

Conversations, Lana, Scott

Scott: You know what I'm sick of?
Lana: People who claim that they are real cowboys when they are not?
Scott: No. Under what circumstances would I encounter someone claiming to be a cowboy when they're not?
Lana: Nevada.
Scott: Do I live in Nevada?


Mandy

Who wouldn't want a hand-job from Lando?

Lana

Vicodin makes me play Animal Crossing.

Conversations, Lana, Scott

Lana: my tummy hurtsssss
Lana: maybe I'm stressed
Scott: yes
Scott: it's stress
Lana: sigh
Scott: or the herp
Lana: oh crap
Lana: I did get a flair up
Lana: flare
Scott: haha
Scott: flair up
Scott: like from fridays?
Lana: the hems
Lana: the roids from fridays
Lana: I'm not making any sense
Lana: ROIDS!
Lana: I wanna eat roids!
Lana: The roids of pigs!
Lana: rwaaaar!
Scott: what...
Scott: the...
Scott: DEVIL!
Lana: HAHAHAHAH
Lana: I WANT TO EAT THE DEVILS ROIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scott: Good god woman
Scott: that is a fetish I want to know nothing about
Lana: yeah you dooooo
Lana: admit it
Lana: you sick-o
Scott: ok
Scott: fine
Scott: I have a few websites devoted to the mastication of deity's rectums.
Lana: really?
Lana: am i on any of them?
Scott: all of them
Lana: NICE!
Lana: am i like the masticating colon girl of 2008?
Lana: do i get a fancy hat?
Lana: a calender spread maybe?
Scott: Both
Scott: although I only have enough anuses for january
Lana: snaps
Lana: the shortage
Lana: I forgot
Lana: damn you oil prices!!!
Scott: no
Scott: it's just I could only find Jesus's
Scott: God and Satan's were hard to track down
Lana: those bastards
Scott: and I'm currently embroiled in a heated bidding war on ebay.
Lana: I'll donate my Miss Masticating Colon prize money
Lana: to the cause of course
Lana: I need Satan's anus!
Lana: haha what the hell is wrong with us
Lana: I mean seriously
Lana: we're in our 20's for godsakes
Lana: for god'sanus hahah
Lana: DAMNIT
Lana: there I go again
Scott: Haha
Scott: I don't think there's anything wrong with us


Lana

Communism gives me gas.

Conversations, Lana, Scott

Scott: God I'm a genius. Honestly, it actually hurts being with people who are less intelligent than me.
Lana: I hate you.
Scott: Right...
Lana: Man, we are on fire like hemorrhoids tonight.


Conversations, Lana, Scott

Scott: Only robots don't find me funny.
Lana: What? Child molesters?
Scott: Let's analyze this conversation shall we?
Lana: *fart noise*
Scott: I say "Only robots don't find me funny" to which you reply "What? Child molesters" then I offer you the chance to analyze the conversation to which your response is a fart noise.
Lana: Are you writing this down?


Lana

If my eyebrows were raisins would they grow back if I ate them?

Scott

Up is not a letter in any language!

Henry

I don't date my mayonnaise!

Lana

Where did she go? Tommy Two Tone's Pregnancy Barn?

Conversations, Lana, Scott

Lana: yellow poo
Scott: Acorn Squash.
Lana: Corny Collins Poo Mash
Scott: Ass Burgers and Shakes
Lana: didy poot squishy pants
Scott: Trouser Trumpetting with Farty friends
Lana: Lonely little poo pellets
Scott: Happy dancing brown danglers
Lana: Poonanie puddle jumping anal dwarves!
Scott: Fecal Fanny Fountains
Scott: Anal alliteration are always awesome
Lana: Pooey Pulsing Poo Pots
Scott: bubbling butt bags
Lana: Boiling Baby Balloon Butt Bubbles
Scott: squishy stuff streaming steadily
Lana: dangerously dangling doo doo darts
Scott: doughy doo doo dumping dark dagnuts
Lana: slappy squirty shower shits
Scott: wet wipes won't work well with what whorish waste we wraught
Scott: fecal fracas forcing financial fecundity for feral felines
Lana: Handsomely hairy hoo hoo hot holey hotdogs
Scott: Gross gobs gaining girth
Lana: Pundit pork pots pooping poundly
Scott: innocent intestines incessantly increase inside impeding ideas in india
Scott: constipated cows can cause corn cob careening. Caution: cool cows
Scott: rectal rotundness returns reliable refuse
Scott: Anal badness can do enough fecal grossness. Have I just killed Lana's mind? No. Or perhaps questions require something truly universally versatile when x-raying young zebras.
Lana: I think I just killed myeslf
Scott: Chromosomally challeneges children cause callous comments.


Scott

Foxes in pudding are more ridiculous than my life.

Conversations, Lana, Scott

Lana: Next question...
Scott: Ok, What do you feel about rice?
Lana: I hate children.


Lana

More sense than caramel titties.

Scott

It's not romantic, it's gross. I wouldn't have sex with a poo beast.

Scott

The person to the left of you is making fart noises with their face, and your response is "That turkey has a fucked up neck!".

Lana

Screw you Blue Douche, I want to punch you in your face and then oil your grams!

Lana

Oh my god it's Help Rape!

Scott

You never can tell with old people, one day it's sarcasm, the next... Alzheimer's.

Conversations, Mandy, Scott

Mandy: Are these puzzle pieces organized?
Scott: Organizing puzzle pieces is like euthenising babies... who has the time?


Mom

I wonder if any of these words are horses.

Conversations, Scott, Yoshi

(While playing Tomb Raider and wearing a fancy dress while shooting people with a shotgun)
Scott: Who else wants to dance?
Yoshi: It takes two to tango..
Scott (After taking out the last guy): ...and I've only got one...


Conversations, Yoshi, Dan

Yoshi: Moxie's a hurricane rescue dog.
Dan: She rescues hurricanes?


Rustin

It's like eating heartburn!

Scott

My ass erodes cushions.

Scott

I was peeling my hat and eating it.

Mandy

No that's an anus. I can tell by the taste.

Conversations, Mandy, Scott

Upon seeing a store called "A Childs Dream"
Mandy: Hey look, it's a childs dream.
Scott: Lets crush it!


Scott

Duck horns are a part of foreplay.

Conversations, Mandy, Scott

Scott: I hate it when Dan has sex with my girlfriend.
Mandy: What?
Scott (louder): What?!


Conversations, Scott, Yoshi

Yoshi: I think that Terry's are just awesome.
Scott: Terry Pratchett, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones...
Yoshi: Dysentary?


Yoshi

My hairbrush smells like caulk

Conversations, Mandy, Scott

Scott: Oh yeah, I can take off both my shoes at the same time!
Mandy: Wow! You know all the lines.


Scott

While Spot is staring through a reflective glass door at us in the other room, and wanting to be let in
(In Spot's voice)
Guys, you don't understand! There's another dog in there!


Mandy

Is there a seal in there... oh no, it's the armadillo...

Jeffrey

Juice squeeze is freshly squozen.

Jeffrey

Schmackitdupon da goose?!

Rustin

It sounds like a clockwork dog having a seizure!

Rustin

Awww I DREW on myself. DAMNIT! (click for soundclip)

Dan

Dan picks up my cell phone and hands it to Mandy, then he whispers
Mandy, shove this up your butt and I'll call it.


Brandon

Oh, so now I'm chunky?

Rustin

Chief nacho, we meet again...

Robert


While playing "Find the Idol" in Wario Ware
Fuck, I found Tony Danza...


Mandy

Get away from me you unfabulous cup!

Cookie

Damnit gadget-pants, you're standing in front of the glow box!

Conversations, Mr. Brackett, Colin

Mr. Brackett : Ladies...
Colin : No ladies here, grandma
Mr. Brackett : Good comeback...


Conversations, Elk, Jeremy

(in AIM conversation)
Elk: And so, the pencil smote the bubble, and the final was defeated.
Jeremy: he he
Jeremy: do I want to know?
Elk: I think smote is going on my favorite words list. Any word implying a form of destruction that sounds like a breakfast cereal is ok in my book. "Smotes! Filled with oat-y goodness."


Conversations, Rustin, Jeremy

Rustin : You know, you should really listen to the first part of sentences
Jeremy : Why?
Rustin : Because they usually contain the subject
Jeremy : But I'm only interested in the predicate nominative and verb.
Rustin : OK ... Fuck you!


Conversations, Neil, Scott

(in AIM chat)
Neil: Hold on...
Scott: To what? Am I going to fall?
Neil: Yes, into a vat of jello.
Scott: I don't want to fall ::Slips...:: *SPLOOCH*


Conversations, Rustin, Scott

Rustin : I think it's something that you put in your nose, I think
Scott : Usually things you put in your nose don't come in paste form


Conversations, Jeremy, Scott

Jeremy : Whoa, Dude, blink again.
Scott : Why?
Jeremy : Because you just blinked sideways.
Scott : Oh ::I laugh sarcastically and run away::


Conversations, Jeremy, Scott

Jeremy : Rustin I've done something incredibly insane, and ...
Scott interrupting: I've named it after you


Conversations, Jeremy, Scott

I'm spinning around in circles when Jeremy sees me and asks..
Jeremy : What are you doing?
Scott : I'm trying to reach terminal velocity
Jeremy : But that only happens when you ...
::I fall down::
Jeremy : ... Fall


Conversations, Jeremy, Scott

Jeremy : Why do you think they named it Graham Crackers?
Scott : Because the guy who invented it was named "Graham"
Jeremy : No, I think it's because they only weight a gram
Scott : Jeremy... No... That's like calling it "Pound Cake"


Conversations, Mandy, Scott

Scott : My nose is drippy...
Mandy : Then take a shower!


Conversations, Jeremy, Scott, Jeff, Dan

Jeremy : What does gesticulate mean?
Scott : I think it means to Gesture..
Jeremy : Ah, right, to gesture.
Jeff : Gesticular cancer..
Jeremy : Heh, it's a cancer you get from waving too much.
Dan : No, It's a gesture that spreads like wild fire.
Scott : Like yawning... Yawning is a gesticular cancer.


Conversations, Chad, Scott

Chad : If fishes were wishes we'd be knee deep in crap
Scott : Carp...
Chad : Yeah, that too...


Conversations, Mandy, Scott

Scott : Hello, my name is Dr. Scott, I'm here to wear leggings and check for cancer.
Mandy : Check for butt cancer?


Joe

When did George Washington become a woman?

Mom

Are you going to sleep with that pie in your pants?

Mr. Dick

... Not to be confused with sayonara which is Japanese for goodbye, but cyanide is goodbye in any language

Jeff

(after eating a pound of peanuts) Mfff wrr fuumpple

Crazy Joe

Hey, he just stole my ethnic peanuts

Mack

Scott, you're someone like Jesus... Jesus with a pen

Cameron

I underestimated the power of the sandwich

Shira

Ducks don't grow when you plant them

Tyler

There must be something natural that can blow up China

Dustin

He looks like he came from where he came from

Cookie

Stop throwing meat at me!

Sean

Scott... I'm hearing voices in your head

Colin

I hope you're not stealing Christmas too!

Colin

I like to be naked, too bad the rest of the world doesn't

Colin

Ok, so I was having this dream that I was fishing and every time I walked by water this fish would jump out and bite my hand. It was haunting me. And so I turn into a Jedi and I had a lightsaber but it was actually a block of wood and then I killed the wish and it was scary. I gotta stop watching Bass Masters and Star Wars before I got to sleep. Bass masters is the only show that gives me nightmares

Dan

PEEP! (After scooting his chair over to behind mine, staring intently at this penguin game on my screen for a few minutes and then speaking this as loudly as possible when I confront him)

Dan

You usually don't eat passwords

Dan

I emit doom

Dan

Hey, a white tuxedo, that's a good idea... do you want ketchup with that?

Dan

Refreshingly Obtuse

Dan

There's a circus over there! ... ok, maybe not. It's just a bunch of sticks with red things on them

Dan

Look... I have doom and it's in a cute little bun too. Oh blast I've dripped doom into my crotch. (talking about his "pork" sandwich)

Dan

It's an American bald eagle... oh no wait, it's a turkey... wait... turkeys don't fly that high... or at all

Dan

That's quite solid for gummy snacks

Rustin

I certainly hope that was bread

Rustin

Lazy does not even begin to fathom what you are right now

Rustin

An Italian spaceship?!?

Rustin

The following comments are made by Rustin while watching Metropolis and I have described the actions as best possible

*Mad Scientist flicks a switch and vials begin to bubble*
"He's making daiquiris..."
*The aforementioned vials begin to glow an enticing purple*
"Oooh! Super daiquiris!"
*The Mad Scientist pulls another lever which causes a pot to start boiling*
"Start warming the syrup!"
*The Mad Scientist looks menacingly into the camera from over the table*
"And now for the toast!"
*The Mad Scientist pushes a final switch and another vial bubbles*
"Wow, this guy is a serious breakfast nut"


Rustin

Convenient hole...

Rustin

The world's about to end and he's having a disco in his office!?

Rustin

Yay! The streets are flooded with apple juice! Yay! Jimmy, you have apple juice to feast upon!

Rustin

Flooded... Flooded with what?! Apple juice...? Oh please say apple juice!

Rustin

She seems fascinated by the idea that she has shoulders

Mandy

You crude little penguin get out of my house

Mandy

Never underestimate a cow (for no apparent reason)

Mandy

... Only in my language... which I can only communicate in and not understand

Mandy

So this guy walks into a grocery store and says "Hey where's the ketchup?!" (quoting the fabled "Mike")

Mandy

So this grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you." And the grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Steve?"

Mandy

Quarters later! Cheese now!

Mandy

Mommy, There were strawberries and I ate one. Aren't you happy?!

Mandy

You know... you can redeem Milky Ways for sex at your local Mandy.

Scott

Quit moving and DIE

Scott

You get paid in ham?!?

Scott

Time travel chafes me

Scott

Look! It's the flying Greek alphabet

Scott

*POP* Ohhh, Now I have peanut butter in my ear

Scott

Where'd they get the elephant?

Scott

I'm like a sponge with this stuff... except I have more holes and I don't... erm.... what's the word... oh yeah... retain stuff

Scott

You know, with the sun behind you like that you don't look anything like Jesus

Scott

Doctors were baffled... you should be too

Scott

Monkeys... I mean Robots don't have gods (To fully contemplate how funny this was imagine the hardest you have ever laughed, now multiply that by five and have Chad do it five times, each time exponentially funnier than the last. This resulted in the entire house having tears in their eyes)

Scott

Well I will ask him, but he might have been dead

Scott

I wonder how many rodents died on my birthday...

Scott

Why is that baby... stapled... to a tree?

Scott

I'd kill two birds with one stone, then take their feathers

Scott

The evil has vacated my cranium

Scott

We paid like 35¢ and got like... ::waves hand in dramatic lowering fashion:: ... Monks!

Scott

If your dad was Black and a Hermaphrodite...

Scott

Why do my armpits keep ripping

Scott

Drat... I always eat dead birds for their sugar

Scott

Damn my shortness is it raining?

Scott

If it weren't for the banana oozing from either end I'd say yes...

Scott

Just an adjective works so well with a noun...

Scott

Look at me breathe blood

Scott

No!! My putty cube!! (Said upon the theft of the silly putty I was holding)

Scott

Just to spite you I'm going to wake up Saturday morning, on Monday

Scott

In order to evade you effectively I shall heave myself into various walls, so that I will not be captured by you, and only incapacitated by your hand placed over my mouth... (Said while talking about a silent movie)

Scott

What's thirteen minus Thursday

Scott

Oh yeah! I bet you've never nailed jello to a tree... Nuh-uh! You have never melted jello to a cave... I mean nailed jello to a tree...

Scott

I thought that was a deer... but deer don't have wings, or fly for that matter.. OH MY GOD IT'S GOING TO HIT THE WINDOW!!!

Scott

I grew up in a box... I was supposed to be veil, but it turns out that I wasn't a cow...

Scott

In AIM chat
ScottSpork: I'm far too logical
ScottSpork: did I just say that?
ScottSpork: ::has lobotomy::
ScottSpork: GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!!


Scott

I love how I can be so angry at THE BEAD AT THE END OF THIS STRING!!!

Scott

You see how well my logic works, I use fuzzy logic.. lots of maybes... I think...

Scott

Yes, but you don't usually CUT THE PHONE LINE to MEASURE A WINDOW

Scott

I thought that that street sweeper sounded exactly like 2001 A Space Odyssey...

Scott

You should feel my ankles!! (Said far too excitedly and far too loudly)

Scott

Right... Plastic spatula

Scott

Oh... I just DVD-ed my pants...

Scott

I'm enthralled by your trash receptacle

Scott

Because Penguins taste better than Sex

Scott

Yes, we're turning into Texas, just because of three cacti

Scott

This thing appears to have pants, therefore it must be sentient

Scott

Gee... I think they're forgetting the decimals in these prices

Scott

From the makers of "Sanitized for your comfort" comes "Comforted for your sanity"

Scott

There are no carrots in oatmeal

Scott

... So I hear noodles instead of birds

© 2001-2008 Scott Stokes (aka Coconut Boy)

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